Voice of the DBA

I started to add a daily coping tip to the SQLServerCentral newsletter and to the Community Circle, which is helping me deal with the issues in the world. I’m adding my responses for each day here. All my coping tips are under this tag. 

Today’s tip is to listen wholeheartedly to others without judging them.

I was talking with a friend recently and they were struggling with their workload. They complained about the amount of work, and the dates things were due, while also noting they were struggling to focus and get things done.

In the past, I’d have suggested something, or maybe questioned how they were planning on doing the work. I might even try to get them to see where they weren’t taking advantage of the time they did have and resources available.

In other words, I would have been my typical Type-A, let me solve your problems person.

Instead, I did none of that. I sympathized, empathized, and wished them luck, while asking if I could help.

Sometimes I think venting and talking aloud helps someone sort through their thoughts, and my wife has helped me to learn how to be a sounding board without offering my own input.

I started to add a daily coping tip to the SQLServerCentral newsletter and to the Community Circle, which is helping me deal with the issues in the world. I’m adding my responses for each day here. All my coping tips are under this tag. 

Today’s tip is to notice when you’re hard on yourself or others and be kind instead.

This is one of those skills I’ve worked on for years, maybe a decade. I have tried to learn how to balance acceptance with drive. I want to accept, or maybe just experience, a situation where I am not achieving or accomplishing enough. I need to do this without suppressing my drive, but rather more realistically viewing situations.

I see many driven, type-A type people never willing to give up, and often chastising themselves to do more, to do better. Maybe the example for me that springs to mind if Michael Jordon. He’s amazing, likely the best ever, but a jerk. Not someone I’d want to emulate. I’d take a more balanced, a more polite approach instead.

I’d rather be Tim Duncan, if I were a high achiever. But maybe I’d just be happy being Luol Deng, a semi-successful player, but not a huge star, but a nice guy.

What I want to do is drive forward, in a way that balances all parts of my life with success. With my wife’s success. With the support and love I give my kids or friends. If I don’t accomplish something, I try to stop and realistically examine why.

It might be I had other commitments, or no energy (which happens a lot in 2020). It might be I chose to do something else and didn’t have time. It might be because I was just being lazy or not putting in effort.

The former items are places I give myself a big break. The latter, I try to think about how to do better, how would I do something different in the future in the same situation. I accept what happened, I experience it, and maybe feel disappointed, but I don’t chastise myself. I move forward.