Tag: words

dolorblindness – n. the frustration that you’ll never be able to understand another person’s pain, only ever searching their face for some faint evocation of it, then rifling through your own experiences for some slapdash comparison, wishing you could tell them truthfully, “I know exactly how you feel.”

I’ve been lucky and blessed in life, with many things going my way and relatively few big obstables or painful moments. I’ve had some, but many less than a lot of people I know. I’ve also had plenty of success (by my definition) in life.

As a result, I think I run into dolorblindness regularly when I run into someone that’s had a difficult event. Losing a loved one, dealing with a health crisis, losing their job, or some other event that creates a lot of pain in individuals. I feel empathy and sadness for them, but I’m often struggling to understand the feelings because I haven’t felt them.

Most of the time.

I often won’t say that I understand because I don’t. Sometimes I do, but often I express support, offer help, or just give them a hug.

Whether you really know how someone feels or are experiencing dolorblindness, I hope you be kind, have compassion, and support those struggling in life.

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

fawtle – n. a weird little flaw built into your partner that somehow only endears them more to you, in the way that impurities dissolved in water are what allow it to conduct electricity – if all the imperfections were removed, there would be no spark.

I won’t give you a specific, as it’s not really something I’d share, but my wife has a quirk that used to really annoy me. In some sense, it was a thing that I think I tried to avoid in myself.

However.

Over time, I realize this is a part of who she is. She knows it, the kids know it, I know it and not only accept it, but I can smile to myself a little and appreciate why the thing makes her unique and wonderful.

The more you find fawtle in others, the more you enjoy their differences from you and others.

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

etherness – n. the wistful feeling of looking around a gathering of loved ones, all too aware that even though the room is filled with warmth and laughter now, it won’t always be this way – that the coming years will steadily break people away into their own families, or see them pass away one by one, until there comes a time when you’ll look back and try to imagine what it felt like to have everyone together in the same place.

That’s a somewhat bleak look at reality. I think etherness is understandable and natural. Families grow and change, and even if there aren’t children, there is death.

My wife and already have experienced this, as our oldest has a partner and we have to “share” them for holidays. We alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas already, and other family events are becoming more challenging, both because of other family commitments, but also career and life scheduling.

I don’t really dread things changing, and while there is a sadness, I accept it’s a part of life. Things change, and while it would be great if my family kept coming to my house (or me to theirs), I also know the other side of families for children and relatives feels the same way. We can’t all get what we want.

We certainly can’t always get what we want.

Instead I cherish and appreciate what I do have, and the moments I get to spend with family and friends.

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

dead reckoning– v. intr. finding yourself bothered by somebody’s death more than you would have expected, even if they were only an abstract presence in your life, like a lighthouse in the distance that suddenly goes dark, leaving you with one less landmark to navigate by.

I hope many of you don’t deal with death too often, though as you age, this is one of the worst things about living longer. You see more people die.

It sucks. Every time I update sqlmemorial.org, I’m sad.

It’s been surprising to me how often I feel dead reckoning, sometimes after someone I don’t even know personally dies. Prince affected me that way, and every time I hear a song from him I feel more sadness and loss than I would have expected.

I hope you don’t experience this a lot, but the more you live life and engage with others, the more likely it this is something with which you have to cope.

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows