Tag: words

lackout – n. the sudden awareness that you’re finally over someone, noticing that the same voice that once triggered a cocktail of emotions now evokes nothing at all – as if your brain had returned the last box of their things and your heart had quietly changed its locks.

I think I’ve learned to have more lackout as I get older. Perhaps things impact me less or I judge less importance, but I find myself letting go of hard/sad/angry/disappointed/jealous/etc. negative feelings towards people much quicker, with lackout occurring sooner after an event.

Certainly this can happen with romantic relationships, though I think a lot of us never get over things and prefer not to see exes.

However, I’ve had that happen at work, where I am upset with someone, and I don’t want to hear their voice, or correspond in email, or even shake their hand. No hugs for sure.

The thing I’ve learned to do is let things go. Maybe one of the things I let go, which was public, was not being allowed on the ballet for the PASS Board of Directors. I was very upset with the committee, who I think let personal feelings get in the way of making a decision. I was quite angry with that group of people for a long time.

A few years.

However, I’ve seen a few since then and been not only civil, I find myself with lackout, having let that anger go.

Life is better without anger or grudges.

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

falesia– n.  the disquieting awareness that someone’s importance to you and your importance to them may not necessarily match – that your best friend might only think of you as a buddy, that someone you barely know might consider you a mentor, that someone you love unconditionally might have one or two conditions.

Wow, falesia is a disconcerting idea in itself. Just reading that makes me a little uncomfortable. I’m sure many people have falesia early on in their relationships, whether dating or friendship, thinking that the person you think is very important doesn’t feel the same way about you.

I tend to look at most people are equals and try to treat them that way. However, I also get uncomfortable at times when people praise me or thank me for the work I’ve done with SQL Server Central or SQL Saturday. In those cases, I’m sure that the importance we feel towards each other isn’t the same.

I know I have some falesia and I am definitely uncomfortable in those cases.

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

lookaback– n.  the chock of meeting back up with someone and learning that your mental image of them had fallen wildly out of date – having grown up or gotten old, fallen apart, or pulled themselves together – which shakes your faith in the accuracy of the social puppet show that runs continuously inside your head.

Most of the time I’ve run into someone after time away, they are similar to what I expect. They’re older, or they’re heavier (as am I) or something, but it’s within the realm of what you might expect after the length of time.

I had lookaback a few times in the last few years, though and it’s a bit jarring. I had someone I knew that went through a rough stretch and they had gained a lot of weight. Like 150lbs more than when I saw them. More than the weight, however, their outlook on life, being a bit depressed and without a light in their eyes was a lookaback shock.

I have lookaback at times with kids I’ve coached, where I see them years later as young adults and I keep this image of a 12 or 13 year old that is now in their twenties, more mature, and much more grown up. It’s a contradiction in my head, as I still keep a glimpse of that younger person.

Lookaback can be positive or negative, and I keep hoping when it happens it’s a positive experience.

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

immerensis – n.  the maddening inability to understand the reasons why someone loves you – almost as if you’re selling them a used car that you know has a ton of problems and requires daily tinkering just to get it to run normally, but no matter how much you try to warn them, they seem all the more eager to hop behind the wheel and see where this puppy can go.

Most people likely go through this, unless they are very self-centered and narcissistic. Come to think of it, maybe “most” is the wrong description. I find too many people being self-centered already.

In any case, I think lots of us wonder why someone really loves us, especially early in our relationships. We have some self-doubt, we always want to make a great impression on our dates/partners, avoiding showing them the “crazy” inside of us. I know lots of woman who avoid being seen without makeup. I know men who want to be sure they are showered and clean, avoiding having a date see them at the gym.

I think it’s natural as you get closer to someone, as you let yourself be vulnerable to have some fear. Hopefully it’s not the maddening inability of immerensis, but just a manageable “I wonder if they’d like the whole me.”

You should let them in. If they don’t want all of you, they don’t deserve you.

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows