Tag: words

querinous – adj. longing for a sense of certainty in a relationship; wishing there were some way to know ahead of time whether this is the person you’re going to wake up next to for twenty thousand mornings in a row, instead of having to count them out one by one, quietly hoping your streak continues

I hope most of you don’t have querinous for long in your relationships, and certainly none of it if you’re married or otherwise committed. As I watch my kids date, and I think back to my own time as a young man looking for love, I remember this feeling. I remember wondering if new relationships were moving forward or was I missing something because of an infatuation.

We all wish we would see the future, in many ways, but certainly in relationships. I think a querinous feeling is inevitable as you begin a relationship and get to know someone else.

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

lilo– n. a friendship that can lie dormant for years only to pick right back up instantly, as if you’d seen each other last week – which is al the more remarkable given that certain other people can make every lull in conversation feel like an eternity.

I’m very lucky that I get to travel and meet so many people, and that I have the opportunity to see many of them time and time again at different events. I’m truly blessed in this way.

I have lilo with many people, close friends, good friends, casual acquaintances, even new-I-just-met-you-for-five-minutes-once friends.

With many people, when I see them again, we can pick up a conversation or a familiarity right away. I don’t have a great memory for names, which is why you might see my look at your name badge, but I remember faces well. When I was a bartender, I knew many people by what they drank, but few names.

In the tech world, I pick up friendships once a year with some people, less often with others. A quick story.

I met Nate many years ago at the PASS Summit. I can’t remember if we met in the convention center or in the hotel up the hill, but we got to chatting and enjoyed a few minutes together. Since then, I’ve seen him at a number of Data Community Summits, and we always take time to stop and catch up and see how we’re doing.

I look forward to lilo every year, thinking I’ll get the chance to see Nate and get a hug, a picture, and a conversation. I’ve missed him the last couple of years, but was delighted to see him in 2024. I hope we both keep making the Summit or some other event until we both get to retire.

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

suente– n. the state of being so familiar with someone that you can be in a room with them without thinking, without holding anything back, or without having to say a word – to the extent that you have to remind yourself that they’re a different being entirely, that brushing hair away from their eyes won’t help you see any better.

This makes me think of the familiarity I have with my wife or kids or a few close friends. We don’t need to talk, and we know what the others are thinking based on the situation or body language. We can sit in a room reading, relaxing, watching something, listening to music, and we feel both comfortable and close.

I love the suente and I’m glad it’s with few people.

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

dolonia – n. a state of unease prompted by people who seem to like you too much, which makes you wonder if they must have you confused with someone else – someone flawless, selfless, or easy to understand from a distance – feeling vaguely disappointed that they’re unwilling to spend the time it takes getting to know the real you.

I have a bit of dolonia when I meet some people at events who seem extra excited to meet me. I wonder sometimes if they think I’m someone I’m not. Not a different person, but their impression of what I’ve done with SQL Server Central seems outsized compared to what I think I’ve done.

Perhaps I have the opposite of dolonia, not realizing my own impact.

In either case, it’s a certainly a strange life I lead some days.

From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows